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Saturday, November 12, 2011
Battling With the Heart and Mind
While my mind tries to forget you,
My heart pushes to linger more,
Happiness is what it chooses,
While reality is my head’s defenses.
I am confronted by my own thoughts,
Whether to let go or to hope,
As my mind started to define what my heart feels,
I find it harder and harder to cope.
Must I confess to lessen the burden?
Or let the feelings go with the wind,
Let it dissolve in confusion, as my heart bleeds.
I was doing fine on my own,
Why do you need to cross my path?
Why do you need to put a smile on my face,
When I know it wouldn’t last?
How dare you to confuse me,
And cause a battle between my heart and head
Unaware, you’ve unlocked the chains,
I have carefully embedded.
In my heart, you have loosen the knot,
As my head fights to keep it guarded.
It’s getting tiring now,
And I’ve been inkling to let go,
No matter how hard I try to keep my heart and mind together
The loser is always me in sorrow.
But should you resolute to throw your gaze upon me,
Will I find my heart still waiting?
Will my mind suddenly agree?
That the happiness you’ve caused me,
Is what keeps it from breaking?
I must quit you now,
And let fate decide who’s winning.
Mace/110211
Posted at 07:02 am by mace_meg
Permalink
Friday, August 26, 2011
I read somewhere that in order to be happy you have to be true to what you feel. That it's alright to let other people know about your thoughts and your feelings. It's like freedom. But somehow, I feel like people are shutting me down. I feel like I've been pushing too hard and that they don't really care about my life.
I've been playing mysterious before. I don't want people to know anything about me. I don't want to be obliged to tell them about the craziness of my mind. But that was before, when I was just a wall flower. I have decided to participate...to open up. I feel like other people should know my story so they can understand me better. In a way, it makes me feel happy. Because I like listening too. That's what I am good at. No one appreciates it though. That I can see things about people more than the things that they tell me. I can sense deeper. I can actually write poems about how they feel because I understand by heart. But sometimes it's tiring. Sometimes I feel like a cistern, all full and overflowing. Sometimes I feel like I can't hold on anymore so I try to let go a little. It's just sad that no one's there to catch my overflowing agony.
Every time I try to be more honest, to be more open and tell my own story, I always feel like no one wants to hear them. Like they were just listening out of courtesy but no one really understands.
I don't want to let this guilt hold me down. I don't want to feel pressured just to be accepted. I can't just live my life thinking if I have done something bad or not, if I have offended anyone or if I have done enough. I'm tired...so tired to be a cistern that catches and overflows.
mace/081911
Posted at 12:29 am by mace_meg
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Saturday, August 06, 2011
080611
Tomorrow, we will be celebrating your birthday. I don't know if we need to because that will only remind us that you are gone. But then I realized…the day you were born is worth celebrating. Because it was the day I saw a miracle.
A lot of people don't know how you have struggled since Day 1. I remember running from the office to the hospital because they said you were admitted and you were inside the Intensive Care Unit. I was thinking how can that be when you were just brought here from heaven? And then I saw that tube pressed into your throat to help you breathe, along with the other machines attached to you. How can that fragile body hold so much? Some people told us to just give up right then and just let you go. But how can we do that when you yourself had started to fight? You were not breathing when you got out of your mother's womb and for some miracle you struggled to breathe on your own. That was your first cue to fight. That was your first step to battle. How can we ever leave you fighting alone? You are a gift from heaven, so fragile and precious, how can we ever let go? That day, I beg the Lord to lend you to us a bit more and we will accept all the consequences. And after a few days, you survived.
Of course, that was just the first; there were several battles after that. But in between, you gave us more hope to fight with you. We learned to appreciate every little gesture from you. Even without a word, not even a smile, but by the way you turn your head when we call your name, that was happiness to us. Every Christmases and Birthdays, I scour the mall to find a perfect gift for you. I am your godmother; I should be giving you the best there is. I wanted to give you beautiful dresses and nice shoes but I always resorted to buying you pants because your legs have become too thin. And I can't give you shoes, because you never learned to walk, not even stand. But on your seventh birthday, you gave us your precious gift. You finally learned to smile and even laugh. We have found ourselves waiting, with a camera on hand just to capture that moment when you smile. We never did though, because your smile and laughter are so precious that it only happen during unexpected moments. But it was etched in our hearts. Your laughter gave us more hope that you will be with us for a longer time. Your parents started to build a house designed especially for you. It has a big door and a spacious bathroom so your wheel chair can fit in, but you didn't get to see it. You went away so soon. And our world fell apart.
Another battle came unexpectedly. I held you in my arms and you were not breathing. I cursed myself for not knowing what to do. The hospital revived you that day but the battle became harder and harder for you that your body seems to be telling us, "It's enough." We still fought for you, we would have done that until the end, but your vitals started failing and everything's becoming gray. We were asked to decide to finally let you go. Deep inside I am against it, I would have flown you to another country if I could. But then I realized how I have been selfish all along.
Did you enjoy your stay here? For nine years, did we ever make you feel happy? You didn't even touch the ground, you didn't even see the colors of the rainbow, and you didn't even taste the food you were given because it was coming through a tube. How can I tell that the consequences I have willingly accepted since Day1 didn't go into you? You accepted it all. And I think it's about time we finally let you win.
The pain is still here. There were days when I'm thinking if we have fought enough, if that was the right decision. But when Cy (your sister) said she dreamt of you running around the house so happily and even wearing that white flowing dress I have finally bought you…somehow, it eases the pain.
I miss you a lot. But thinking that you are there in heaven playing with the angels where you really belong, brings me comfort. Your name, Ate Reign, is tattooed in my heart. The pain is hard to endure but the scar left a beautiful mark in my life.
Tomorrow is a special day and it will be a celebration. Because that was the day, God gave us an Angel as a gift, the most precious one, our greatest miracle.
Happy birthday Reign!
Love Tita Meg
Posted at 07:29 am by mace_meg
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Thursday, July 21, 2011
I surrender, finally I am accepting defeat,
The impossibility of things, treating reality as a cheat.
Tired of analyzing, keeping my hopes lit,
But everything falls apart, my heart should be conquered by my wit.
I will stop arguing now,
Believing in pretense has gotten me this far,
Yet no matter how I try to grasp reality,
Still the emptiness is running inside of me.
I have trouble, can't you see?
I am struggling to fight back the tears,
Trying to shove away pity.
Unaware...you have shaken my world out from reality,
As you continue to capture my heart,
Living alone in envy.
But this has got to stop,
Because everyday I feel like dying,
As I reminisce the thought of having you around,
I feel like I am deeply drowning.
mace/072111
Posted at 03:52 pm by mace_meg
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Friday, April 08, 2011
How about I stop thinking for a while?
Start acting on impulse
And worry not about style.
How about I just agree with whatever comes my way?
Act on whatever comes along
And say whatever I want to say.
How about I allow myself to enjoy what’s mine?
Pretend no one’s looking,
And ignore all the signs,
How about I just float and just go on with the flow?
Embrace every bump,
Whether to a stone or to a snow.
How about this time I’ll stop whining
And dig into what I feel
Maybe happiness will come racing,
And will soon stay real.
Mace/032411
Posted at 05:07 pm by mace_meg
Permalink
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Pathetic me…thought I have guarded my wits,
Pretending that I am fighting over friendship.
Denying that I have long been defeated,
By this mistaken shadow of cowardship.
How long will I fool myself,
That nothing should be reciprocated?
How bravely will I tame my blues,
When cupid's arrow was misguided?
If the moon affects the tide when it change its phase,
Will it not change the heart's desire and bring it to the rightful place?
Will it not reveal the true feelings hidden behind the mask?
To stop conquering the natural flow of what has been cast.
But since reality is bound to witness the truth,
Lingering the twist of nature's fruit,
Then summer and winter will never be in truce,
Because my heart will choose to forever stay mute.
Mace/
01132011
Posted at 04:07 pm by mace_meg
Permalink
Winter still stinks in my head, trying hard to get away with it.
It lingers like the air that I breathe,
Without it, I feel like falling on a brink.
The cold air brings my heart in a delightful stance,
Making me forget reality in a glance,
But the longer I stay, the farther deeply I fall,
The more confuse I become, putting things to no sense at all.
What must I do to bring everything back in balance?
To calm this eager heart, to where peace resides once,
Must I return to stillness and accept what’s not meant to be?
Even if it feels right, must I walk in broken knee?
Life has laid down my path to where dreams could not come true,
Where I could taste the sweetness against reality’s bitter hue,
Where Winter could embrace me until my heart stings in blue,
And suffocate me from his affection,
While he lives his life in a way I cannot undo.
Some things are just unchangeable,
I better believe you are untrue.
mace/032311
Posted at 03:45 pm by mace_meg
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Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I hope it's not yet too late...
With all that's been happening around the world lately, I fear that the end is near and that I will never have the chance to see my sister again.
Surviving the inevitable is none of my concerns. I just have to see my sister again. I haven't seen her for more than a decade. Until now, I can't believe how big the world is, that we are living at the same moment but still feels like living in different times. Sometimes I can't help but ask myself why things have to be this way. Why can't we just be in one place and be present in each other's lives? It feels like a great loss for me not being able to see what happens to her and her family. Not being able to talk to her about how I feel and what's going on with my life, how I have matured and how my mind has changed from the last time we saw each other is the greatest regret I have in my life. It's like a missing puzzle piece to fill up the story of my life. It pains me to realize that I don't know her that much, that I was not able to share or witness the beautiful things that happened to her life as well as the struggles she had faced alone. I should have been there. We should have been each other's confidante. I should be the one whom she calls to whenever she needs someone to look after her children. I should be the one telling her children about our childhood days. I should be the giver of the special gifts she received on her baby showers. I should be her secret keeper. I should be her greatest ally. But I am not there and I will always regret that part of my life.
But now, I can see hope. She plans on coming home next year. I swear, I will make up for everything that I have missed. We may feel awkward at the start, but we will be the best of friends before she leaves, like what we are supposed to be. I miss her so much that I will even allow her to make me her slave. :-)
I hope the world will not end soon. I hope the Lord will give us time to put the missing pieces together. I hope it's not yet too late.
mace/031611
Posted at 12:43 pm by mace_meg
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Saturday, February 26, 2011
People see you in blue, when you really meant to be seen in gray,
And they hear angst music, when it’s just rock and roll that you play.
Then they turn to argue as if you have gone astray,
When what you have said and done were just as clear as day.
Unbelievably misunderstood, weakening the glamour away.
If I could only drown myself, into what I fear the most,
Then I would have been killed by this sickening ghost,
My wrath would have been toiling up around the post,
Burning my soul deep until I am lost.
Clarity is a rare pulse in my head,
As confusion often stays even in my bed,
But when its bud grows into full bloom, I will oblige ahead,
Revealing an innocent truce to the appalling things I’ve said.
And then now, as I wish to heave a sigh of relief,
I couldn’t bring myself because I am feeling grief,
I have cut through a wound to a heart that was stiff,
Waiting for it to just break and freedom will then be achieved.
Mace/012711
Posted at 12:33 pm by mace_meg
Permalink
Friday, December 31, 2010
I was denied this “phase”,
Until I believed I was immune,
While others play at haste,
For the things I thought I couldn’t endure.
But here I am now, confused,
With a heart that’s tainted,
Pretending I have everything under control,
Is where pain was painted.
How can this be a mistake?
When happiness is pouring,
Laughter is natural,
Healing the heart’s precious longing.
mace/122810
Posted at 06:30 pm by mace_meg
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