Refuge of a Poet
A battle is raging
Sitting alone at McDonald's and enjoying my breakfast during office hours is a rare occurrence in my routinary life. This is something that I've adopted after I got tired of people leaving me.
In my pursuit to become brave and independent, I have come to love solitude. Many people may wonder why I am eating alone, they barely see me alone in the office. I always have my closest friends with me, like mean girls strutting our stuff around the office. But now, I choose to be alone.
This is my way of delaying the inevitable. I sort of stirring my mood for the day, kind of hoping I will start with a happy feeling. So that's why I am here. I'm trying to sway myself to believe, I LOVE what I'm doing. Maybe if I say it over and over again, my mind will finally believe. I've read somewhere that if you wanted to be happy, act happy. I'm not the jolly kind of person so that's hard for me. But at least, I wanted to feel it inside me. I don't care about what other people may think of me, I'm too busy psyching myself to stardom.
So, I've finished my breakfast. I'm going back to where my life for today will be built. And hopefully, the pancake syrup had stirred my mood to be happy. (Dragging...dragging...oh, but I love sitting alone..)
Keeping my fingers crossed.
2015: the year that was!
Last year, I tried completing the Simbang Gabi, asking for more strength and for a clear mind to decide right. 2014 has been rough and so I can feel that there will be more for the coming year.
The decision that I was anticipating to make didn't happen. Things turned differently, it's tougher; more tears and disappointments. I needed that strength and clear mind after all. But I have learned so many things this year. I have learned to be stronger, to hold on to my decision no matter what, to be humble enough to rely to other people, and to fight for my own space, even though it's not that big. All my life, I have always looked after myself. I have friends, I'm close to my family, but I always have this wall around me where I process everything in my own accord. I've taught myself not to bother other people, to just keep everything to myself and be done with it. Maybe that's where my love for DIY-ing came from. I have learned to do things on my own. I was happy to just work in the background, I don't need the spotlight. But this year, things in my career world happened and they've been too hard to handle. And although this is just one part of my world, still this is as important as the others. My career world is a big part of my existence, of who I am now and who I will be in the future. I've been through a lot. I have handled lots of changes. But the pain and the disappointments that I felt were all rooted to the same reason, the same situations that triggers my weak decisions. So I've decided to change my course. I have opened up to other people, met new friends, even went out to a whole new adventure, and trusted that something good will come out from all the chaos. I didn't make a grand gesture out of things, still lurking in my comfort zone. But I have realized that I have been too careful, that I have shielded myself too tightly, that I have been too proud to not accept other people's help. I got tired of analyzing things and figuring out what will become of me. I decided to let go, to decide from my heart and stick to it. Not easy, but I am beginning to feel that I matter. That I didn't have to always just be working in the background, that a little spotlight never hurts.
I know a lot is still waiting for me this new year. And although I didn't get to attend the Simbang Gabi masses, I know the Lord will always give me the strength I need. I am afraid, but I am quite excited to handle things outside my comfort zone. I have more people around me now and I have a different perspective. I can do more this year! I matter! :-D
A Painful Commute
It's a wonder how different things are running into people's minds. Like me, no one knows how I have struggled to come to work. Because once I get to the office, I have to pretend that everything's fine, that this is just one of those days. But in reality, my mind is full of shit.
Today is the day Reign was taken from us. She's our 'precious' and it still hurts to remember the day when we were just waiting for her last breath to come.
I was holding her hand, not wanting to miss any single moment. I wanted her to feel she is not alone; I want to hold her hand until the end. But I am also afraid that it will be me who will witness the painful inevitable. Her mom was attending a mass. And I prayed so hard for her to wait. Just a little bit longer. I know how painful it would be for a mother not to be there the last minute. She waited, and I couldn't stand it any longer...I let go and went outside to succumb to pain.
This painful memory is running in my head while I struggle to make my way through to work. Maybe what I am going through today (the train fuss, the chaos at the office), those are nothing compared to what I have gone through few years back. And although the pain is the same and I will always have a hole in my heart, I think it has made me tough.
In a few minutes, I'll be putting on a mask. I'll just have to deal with it.
Stung by A Sudden Thought (Part 2)
My morning started with a heavy heart. Maybe because I hate being pushed to do something out of my comfort zone. I prayed hard, for the Lord to give me an understanding heart and mind. I know I need this.
Among all the changes that I have surpassed and embraced, again, I know I will learn something from this. I should have been used to this. The world that I'm into, I should have known...nothing is permanent. But it still hurts me. My heart still bleeds every time I am faced with the unfamiliar. I don't want to be a child and cry over this. I just wanted to be brave and get this over with.
Oh, life...a one big complicated circle. You may get lost trying to survive within the means, and when you do, the inevitable repeats itself. This is a struggle I have to face alone. The choice between an easy road versus the unfamiliar one is always present. And when you 're finally able to choose, the other one is always inviting, teasing, commanding, magnetizing.
Freedom is always tricky. And with all these contemplation, I ended the day victorious!
Tomorrow's another battle. I should not come unprepared.
Stung by A Sudden Thought (Part 1)
Everyday I kept asking myself, why am I here? The more I try to embrace the changes facing me now, the more I realize I don't like what I'm doing. I just don't feel like a part of the company's growth. I feel like I am just a speck of dust and the world will continue to exist even without me. I don't want that. I wanted to matter. I wanted to feel like I am a part of something and not just someone who get things done. I know I have done many things. I might be being too hard on myself. But I don't feel like I am functioning at my best. I'm just trying to blend in, an spectator, an observant, simply one of the rest.
I am tired. Tired of proving my worth. Tired of analyzing things that doesn't seem to matter. I don't know which point in my life has triggered this feeling. Maybe it has always been there. Just masked by the intensity of being one of "them". All I know is that I wanted to get out of here. But I am too afraid to let go of my comfort zone. I have grown accustomed to the routine that my mind has been tricked I am doing my best, that this is where I should be. I have felt this over and over and I have managed to survive. Only now that I realize, I am just putting bandage on the wound. Now it is festering, and the pain is becoming deeper.
I don't want to go. My time here (according to my timeline) is not finished yet. So I guess I will try harder to search for happiness at my present situation. I haven't figured out what to do next. It has been my greatest dilemma. And I am hoping to find the answers as soon as possible.
For now, I have to face reality even with a broken heart.
It's tiring. To hide behind a cheerful facade is becoming a hefty role -- one thing I wish I would overcome.
I was going with the flow, enjoying the dance as what they say. But then the music keep on changing and it doesn't make sense anymore. I used to runaway at the first sign of pain but it's not working. So I decided to endure it this time. I thought if I became immuned, numbness will follow through. Sometimes it's easier to give way to pain than succumb into the joy of someone else's display of affection. Pretensions and misunderstood actions may lead to false hope -- the most intangible weapon that blinds the just mind. But numbness is impossible. Pain lingers and false hope pricks like a needle. How can someone display the same action to two persons but have different meanings? How can someone portray the role of being a "sponge" and a "shield" at the same time? How can one person be so clueless while the other remains to be hopeful? This has become a senseless wishful thinking. And it's time to stop now.
I deserve to live too, to exist and be a part of the ever changing world. It has been a lonesome journey and now I wanted to be alive.
It's not easy, I know. I may find myself succumbing to "false hopes" every now and then but I will not give in. I will not run away. I will be a part of reality but it will be "my reality" this time.
So I will sing my heart out. And if I became out of tune, at least I have enjoyed the music of life.mace/110712
Unconsciously drifting away...
It has been a while since I have gotten in touched with my innerself. I feel like I need to do this once in a while otherwise, I feel like my thoughts and views are scattered somewhere. I know this is not normal for other people, but for me, it's what keeps me aligned, or shall I say, sane.
Lately I have noticed how I have often creating a wall around me, to block away other people. What's strange about it, is that even if I am with my close friends, or even my own family, I seem to disentagle myself from them, like putting myself in isolation, like creating my own world. I do that without noticing I am actually doing it. And the scary part is that, I am enjoying it. However, sometimes, I feel inclined to break the wall and when I do, it hurts me that nobody noticed how I have drifted away from them. Their world seem to revolve continuously without me.
I hate doing this. But I can't seem to stop myself. I am not a loner, I have lots of friends, I enjoy being with my family. But there are moments that I seem to drift away from them. I always feel like I don't belong, like I am just pushing myself into them. I don't know. Sometimes, I think maybe the reason why I am still single until now, is because I am created to be this way. I mean, that I am better off tending my own needs, minding my own business and dealing with my own worries. Do I need to see a doctor now?mace/ 053011
Things are going a bit awry lately. And it gets me into thinking, is it time? Is this my wake up call?
The other night, I suddenly had the urge of shifting to another horizon. I've been here 5years and I feel like I've reached the dead end. I asked God what do I do next. And the next day, He answered.
At work, I have 2 close friends. We're always together, always together that people are starting to get confused of our names. Some calls us Powerpuff girls, some Trez Marias and one called us Faith, Hope, Trust. I don't know, but we're like a Tripod who can't be divided, otherwise, we will fall down. And then it happened. I was left alone. One day, both of them didn't go to work and I was dumbfounded. But honestly, I feel left out, abandoned, loser.
I don't have the right to feel that way. They have their own life. They can do whatever they want to do. I just felt betrayed because they didn't tell me it will happen. I wasn't ready. Because I always consider someone being alone before I decide not to go to work. And it just felt so unfair that they did not consider it at all. I guess, it was just me.
Now, I'm thinking, whether I have learned at all or not. I am here in the first place because my former comfort zone was crashed. And I am here, swore to learn how to be independent, but here I am again....wounded, shaken.
The other night I asked God, "what will I do next?". The next day, He answered.....and I was shaken. I think I have gotten too comfortable in my "comfort zone" and it scares me.mace/101911
I am sitting in front of my desk, supposed to be working, but my mind is floating again somewhere. Like the butterfly tattoo on my hand, I wanted to fly. But I can't, because this is reality and I have to embrace it, or else I will go mad.
My mind is roaming from the book that I am reading to the constant whining of an office mate and to the music in my ears. I love the book that I am reading. The story is about wolves and I love the way the author explained the good side of something I once thought as a curse. Shifting from being human to being a wolf is like an escape into something beautiful and peaceful. It's a battle of "facing reality" between "escaping to the unknown". Although I have yet to finish the series, this is already one of my favorites because for some reason, I can definitely relate and it makes me think.
And while I am running the story in my head, an office mate who is also my friend started whining, again. If I have a friend whom I call, "Sunshine", she's my friend whom I can call, "Gloomy". While some people always see the brighter side of things, for her, it's always the dark side. She always find fault from anything, even if she's supposed to be rejoicing for a blessing already, she can still see something bad about it. She's the most negative person I know. But for some reason, I feel responsible for her. I don't know, but maybe because of my penchant for fixing broken things, I feel like she's something I need to fix. Being with her helps me divert my attention from my own worries and makes me feel that I am blessed. There were moments though that I'm getting tired of fixing her, but today, I feel like I can give her a piece of advice. She wanted to quit, so badly now and I am feeling for her. Like me, maybe she also wanted to fly, she also wanted to shift, she also wanted to escape to the unknown. I have to keep a practical mind though and let her realize the reality about her decision. And hopefully, it'll be the right choice.
And so, with all these things running in my head, I realized that almost half of my day is gone and I haven't started working yet. My mind is still dancing to the music in my ear, keeping everything in my head flowing to the rhythm. This is dancing to reality. So while I need to keep my wings folded for now, I have to learn how to enjoy the music. For the mean time, let me embrace reality first and find beauty to the life I have chosen. After all, in one way or another, I have fought for this.